Didn’t we have a lovely time
…..the day we went to Bangor.
A beautiful day, we had lunch on the way
…..and all for under a pound, you know
That on the way back I cuddled with Jack
….. and we opened a bottle of cider.
Singing a few of our favourite songs
….. as the wheels went round.
Do you recall the thrill of it all
….. as we walked along the seafront.
Then on the sand we heard a brass band
….. that made a tiddly tum ta ra ra.
Elsie and me had one cup of tea then we took a paddler boat out.
Splashing away as we sailed round the bay as the wheels went around.
Thailand is not Bangor. We come here because it’s tropical, a paradise and “foreign”. Here are a few words to help you have a good holiday.
After all, sit in a bar area during the evening and watch a few gorgeous Thai boys walk past; sometimes shirtless. The comment “You don’t see that in Bangor High Street” comes to mind and this is true. But it’s precisely because we’re not in Bangor that these differences are important and notable.
The first concerns food. We are abroad. The food will be strange. If you go to a “Western” restaurant they may well serve Western food, but don’t expect it to be to Western standards. The prime example is breakfast. Many Thai places offer “English” breakfasts; the concept of which is weird to them. If I asked you to prepare a Somtam (spicy papaya salad) you’d have a job making it to a Thai person’s taste. The same applies to breakfast. The eggs won’t be perfect, the sausage may well be over cooked (or undercooked), but this is weird foreign food to them. Be thankful you’re getting anything Western at all. Better still try Khao Tom Gai (rice soup with chicken) or Khao Phad Moo (fried rice with pork) as these are Thai dishes. After all if I wanted a British breakfast I’d go to Britain. And the same applies to food throughout the day. Try the local food. A British “Health and Safety” office would have a field day here, but this is not Bangor High Street… And if you want a cup of tea “with Elsie”, it won’t be quite British! More than likely it will be served as a cup of hot (ish) water with a tea bag on the side (continental style). But hey!
Following on quite nicely is the question of toilets. Sorry to mention this right after breakfast, but it has to come in somewhere. Thai toilets are different and their habits are strange to us. But they are hygienic. You may not find a bowl in your toilet. There could well just be two “footprints” in the stall with a sunken area around them. OK so you have to squat. Not too difficult. Easier if you take your trousers off! Believe it or not, squatting is actually healthier for you. We only “sit” because of Queen Victoria. But enough of that. Alarmingly you almost certainly won’t find toilet paper. In the better places you’ll find a “bum gun”. A nozzle with a trigger on an attached hose. This is actually more hygienic than the European paper wiping saga. A Thai would think that barbaric. If there isn’t a gun there will be a bowl for you to wash yourself. There may be a little paper there, but that’s purely for drying. And when you’ve done that, don’t put the paper in the toilet, it clogs it up. There will normally be a bin beside the toilet for putting used paper in.
Thailand smells. It’s true, it does. Whether it’s the drains, or the frying chillies, or just maybe it’s you, hot and sweaty after a day on the beach, it smells. Get used to it. It’s part of the culture too! After a few days you’ll not notice it.
Stay cool. And I don’t mean stay in air conditioned places. I mean don’t lose your temper. It never does any good. Getting frustrated is something that happens to all of us. Maybe the bar boy doesn’t notice you want a drink? Clap your hands twice and they will get the message. It’s the polite way of attracting attention here. If the waiter doesn’t see you want to pay the bill in a restaurant, don’t throw a wobbly. There’s nothing in Thailand made better by losing your temper. All it does is debase you in their eyes and you lose the argument. Stay cool and talk things through reasonably and quietly and you’ll have a better time. Never tell a Thai off; especially in front of other Thais. If they lose face, this is very bad for them. Always assume that it’s your fault (even if you know it isn’t) and you’ll get on far better. If the taxi driver gets lost, it’s your fault you didn’t explain where to go – even if you don’t know. It’s not his fault. And especially never lose temper with the police. If you’re riding on a motorbike and a policeman stops you, pay the small fine for whatever he asks. The other consequences are messy and you’ll never win.
I’d like to repeat a paragraph I’ve used before. Most people in Thailand speak a tiny bit of English, but one habit they have is never wanting to appear they are wrong or ignorant. So if you ask someone something, they will say yes, or agree, even though they might not have understood anything you said. Don’t think that using the same words over and over and getting louder and more indignant each time will impress or make you understood. Losing your temper just lowers you in their estimation. Keep cool, try using different words, and put it a different way, and eventually you’ll probably get them to understand. It’s part of the fun of not being in Bangor.
Thais are conservative in dress and habit. I know this sounds odd when talking about a country where you can go into an entertainment bar and see parades of boys, but they are. Around town, you should always wear a shirt. Especially when going into a shop or restaurant. Even Pattaya, a beach town, suggests that you observe this. OK If you’re 20 years old and have a toned and muscular torso the other Westerners might like to look at you, but it offends most Thais. There are places you can get away with it, mostly on the beach or around swimming pools, but shopping centres and restaurants prefer you to wear a shirt. And if you’re over 50, fat and sweaty, it’s not nice for any of us to have to look at. And as for fat old Westerners wearing thongs on beaches, it’s about as offensive as topless ladies. (This is also illegal in Thailand by the way).
Finally comes the question of money. Don’t show off too much. Thick gold chains, gold watches, diamond rings, a lap top slung over your shoulder and a bulging wallet will get you pick pocketed and mugged. But that WOULD happen in Bangor High Street. It will also happen in Thailand. Be sensible.
But above all the message from this tip is enjoy the differences. Thailand is a tropical paradise. It’s precisely because of this we come here. Be polite, calm, tolerant and to use a French phrase; “Vive la différence”.
